#Revolution #Naya Pakistan

#Revolution #Naya Pakistan

protest at Teen Talwar today against Paparazzi’s ill treatment of Justin Bieber. Please be there if you are a burger and eager to participate in anything that may help you earn brownie points on Facebook. You can even put up your photos on Facebook with unnecessary hashtags like #Naya Pakistan and #tsunami. Make your presence felt. We will change the system(what exactly is in the system that needs to be changed should not be your priority right now).

Do NOT think. Join the bandwagon.


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Stupid People and why they exist?

Human beings, as history books in Pakistan don’t tell us, are the descendants of monkeys. Some of these monkeys, however, evolved and grew lesser chest hair. The evolution process has continued and resulted in the formation of modern human beings.

A research having recently taken place at Karachi University about the emergence of human beings on Earth has given some startling results and shed light on the stages of evolution. The researchers claim that the chain of evolution may not have been continuous in apes. This is not something entirely unknown. We know for sure that our cousins Neanderthals also could not evolve beyond their dumb and furry self. They were then forced to move into snowy caves and die their slow death, one oaf at a time. But as the research tells, it may have halted for some humans as well.

This is not to say that the evolution process stopped altogether.. Physical growth has continued and this sub-specie of humans, termed Homo Moronium, by the scientists walks upright and shares many physical traits with the modern humans. The brain however, could not develop, resulting in fully grown but intellectually handicapped(stupid) human beings.


Professor Pudoo Patel posing for local television

Professor Pudoo Patel posing for local TV channel

In his journal “The Anatomy of Stupid People”, Professor Pudoo Patel, head of Department of Biology, KU, tells,”The advancement of brain seems to have stopped around 14000 BC. This can be attributed to a severe genetic mutation caused by the Sun’s ultraviolet rays hitting the Earth from an angle of 45 degrees and hampering the growth of many parts of the brain. Or it could be just that their brain refused to advance beyond a certain level. This explains why these people are content with mediocrity.”

These humans, as researchers claim, originated in Eastern Africa and moved into different parts of the world. A large majority also moved into the Indian subcontinent. After having been shunned by the normal society and wanting to increase their numbers, they formed their own clans and intermarried. They married their own fathers, sisters and pets: a reason why cousin marriages are still a sacred tradition in stupid clans. These people are known for their loyalty to all the bullshit they come up with as tribal norms, like honor killing.

Their numbers had increased upto a million by 2400 BC, and by 135  BC, they outnumbered thinking, intelligent life on Earth. That’s when the classification between rational and irrational ceased and a more vigorous one between moral and immoral began. These people have infiltrated many professions and are held responsible for the degradation and devolution of human mind, conspiracy theories, Justin Bieber’s rise to fame and and Punjabi Hip Hop. This specie has done its best to mingle into the human population although some of its traits give its identity away. They are known to feel the urge to produce loud raucous sounds when in the presence of women and catcall them, which evidences the fact that they could not mature beyond their animal self. A tilted baseball cap and baggy pants are sometimes wrongly considered as their biological features.

Scientists are as yet uncertain about the future and incentives of this specie. Some wanted to lock them up in laboratories so further research could be carried out on them, while the ones wearing PETA shirts demanded that they be sent back to their natural habitats. Most are however, united in agreeing that they should be isolated and kept away from the human population

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Death of the Dishonorable

What can be more painful than a dentist appointment? In Pakistan, it can be said that the honor goes to a dose of news-watching. The horrific experience can be compared to a roller coaster ride through Hell ,while a demon sends electric jolts through your body. So when you are watching the news, you are taken through an array of (bad) news while the graphic, should-have-been-censored images of a recent blast at a busy commercial area in Karachi/a bustling bazaar in Lahore bring you on the verge on nausea.

I suffered the pain of watching the news on just another fine Karachi day, with lots of stifling heat and nothing to do. I was surfing the channels and as I came upon a news channel, a reporter’s flushed face appeared on the screen. She stood on a piece of barren land yelled in the microphone, “This is unbelievable, barbaric. Right in the 21st century, Baluchistan has been plunged in the Dark Ages. Recently. three unfortunate girls of the Umrani tribe in Baluchistan namely, Jannat Bibi, Fatima, Fauzia were murdered ruthlessly for marrying men of their own choice. Here lie their unmarked graves”. She pointed frantically to the fresh mounds of mud beside her and paused to catch her breath. I sat there, alert ,waiting for her to provide more information. Maybe to see the paunchy policemen share his investigation, or to see the heavily-mustached provincial minister condemn the issue. But the reporter had decided that it’s been enough time when the world hadn’t listened to her award-winning speech on “Plight of women in Pakistan” and launched into it again.”I repeat, this is unbearable..”. I switched off the TV. 

debate insideI sat there apathetically, wishing I could be surprised, or better disgusted. To say I was taken aback would be a lie, and “Numb” is just a Linkin Park song. In Pakistan lately, we have been hearing of such incidents so frequently that they fail to move us. If such news ever cross our eyes ,we carry on the same ritual .News channels run a two-minute clip on the biography of victims(only to be replaced by a more sensational news in the next bulletin),members of some nameless NGO take out rallies and pose for photographs in their designer wear and the tribal leader justifies the killings according to the tribe’s moral code. Then, we all set out to permanently remove the incident form our memories.

Though the incident couldn’t stir me sentimentally, I must admit, it quizzed me. It really is confusing, if you look at it from this angle: In a country where women are treated as such precious gemstones that they are not allowed to leave the confinements of chaddor and chardiwari , they are aterall,considered

objects, who can be married to or betrothed to anyone without their consent, and if the master wills, the object can always be discarded of.

The reasons for Pakistanis acting so ‘queer’, to put in mild terms towards their women were not too clear for me. I have heard people saying that it’s because of a lack of education. Sure, lack of education is a major reason for these inhumane activities. But what about the foreign-educated tribal leaders, who are almost always involved in such heinous crimes? There was to be a root cause for this.

I was totally absorbed in these thoughts when my cellphone rang. It was Areeba*,the confident, chirpy girl in my school.”Hey Amna, “she started right away,” Listen! You HAVE to come tomorrow. It’s my sister’s wedding and we are going to have loads of fun and dance to old Raheem Shah songs and..” “Wait, wait!”I cut her off.”Are you talking about Fareeha? God, she is only 14,hasn’t even been to college yet!”. “Amna calm down! You know girls get married at a young age in my family. It’s the custom ,ok? Oh and try to make it tomorrow.BYE!” She hung up. I realized I had found the cause for the lowly position women have in our society. The culprits were none other than our backward social customs.

Social customs are to Pakistan what football is to Brazil. With a lack of healthy activities, Pakistanis have developed a strange obsession for these customs. These customs are so dominant in our society that they have even had influence on our interpretation of the words of God, our religion. Indeed, that is one main reason why we so blindly follow our customs. A small section of our respected and much rightly done so ,ulema ,religious scholars have been using religion to justify and promote their own beliefs. Pakistanis, with a knack of believing everything that passes around here for religion have whole-heartedly accepted their views, leading to the creation of even more absurd customs. And because everyone who dare challenge the rationality of these customs is labeled a heretic, we are still largely shackled by these ridiculous practices. 

mittiA name predominant in these practices is honor killing, simply meaning killing to safeguard one’s honor. This is what took the lives of the three Baluch girls. The practice is not very new. Taking its roots in Japan in the early 11th century as “Harakiri”, where samurai warriors took their lives after a defeat on the battlefield, this practice soon spread to other

parts of the world. Though the basic concept remained the same ,the custom ,like most other customs ,was modified to suit the lifestyle of the local people. In the rural areas of subcontinent, clenched by a staunch belief in feudalism, the tribal chiefs who attained supreme authority over the lives of their people , were entrusted with the task of ending a person’s life. If they believed his/her actions went against the moral codes prescribed by the tribe, had a corrupting effect on the people or violated the chief’s authority in any way, the person was to be killed, his/her voice silenced.The practice came to be known as karo-kari.

Though it has been often said, mostly by the feudal lords themselves, but the main motive of honor killing is not to protect the honor of the land ,but to preserve their own thrones. With the world’s gradual move through rationalism, monarchies were abolished and customs gotten rid of. The chiefs were quick and cunning enough to realize that their kingdoms will not last long if their people will follow in the footsteps of the educated world. So to eradicate this threat, people in these areas were distanced from education, barred from attending schools and religious thoughts misinterpreted and distorted to suppress the masses even more. And if anyone dared to make their decisions themselves ,or have some legitimate control over their own lives, they were immediately killed to “save the honor of the land”. To say that the tribes of Baluchistan were “plunged into the Dark Ages” would be wrong. They never left the “Dark Ages.”

In 1947, the Islamic Republic of Pakistan was established. Now in no way do the concept of republic or Islam encourage monarchy and feudalism, quite the contrary, but feudalism has continued to haunt the region. Feudal lords, the undisputed leaders of their respective areas, were quick to enter the political arena. Usually, no other person was, and is allowed to contest the elections other than the tribal chief. And if anyone could ever muster up the courage to do so, they had to be ready to face the wrath of the tribal chief. The chiefs attained high positions in government and made sure that the funds for education in rural areas were adequately used to pay for their children’s foreign education. They also worked tirelessly to ensure that no law against the ridiculous social custom or encouraging the notions of free speech is passed. This is not to say that such law have never been passed. But in most cases, these laws have been unsatisfactory, usually giving the culprit a chance to buy his way out of jail. Also, the major problem lies in the implementation of these laws. The tribal chiefs have the law enforcement agencies firmly in their control and they see to it that most FIRs regarding honor killings are not acted upon. This has obviously resulted in more deaths, and most recently of the young girls of the Umrani tribe.

lawTo state the obvious ,Pakistan’s social customs and the tribal system in our countryside is antiquated and MUST be removed, by laws, their implementation, education or any other way to propel Pakistan into the 21st century. What the common person like me can do is to keep the issue alive, through blogs ,TV shows, internet or even a simple essay, and never let people overlook the misery the girls of this country are in. Otherwise, as an elderly woman of Baluchistan noted ,”It’s a man’s world and these practices will never stop.”

*not her real name


Originally written for Commonwealth Essay Competition in the hopes of winning a trip to UK

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Obsessions of a mediocre Paki

People around the world have obsessions. They obsess over personalities,football and what not. Some shitheads also obsess over Twilight.There are some national obsessions too. Japanese obsess over electronics,while Russians over mystery moons.Likewise,Pakistanis also have a number of overwhelming, if strange ,obsessions. What follows is a list of our most popular obsessions.

Myths:The most common obsession.Pakis are obsessed with myths,and proud to be so.These people will readily believe all the falsehoods that pass around here for religion,thinking it will somehow grant them an entry into Paradise.They have to,like totally HAVE TO,bring morality in every conversation to prove their point.They religiously like the status updates of every God-related group on Facebook,and even more religiously post obscene comments on the photos of “Hawt Galzz”.This obsession with myths is used by mullahs to spread hatred,and by despos dying to get likes on their Facebook status:”Like this if you love God,ignore if you love Shaitan.”If you are a rational Paki without an obsession of myths,you are damned.

Food:The only socially-acceptable form of entertainment,and thus an obsession. It has an irreplaceable role in the life of every Paki.Foods are treated as omens.From your performance in an exam to your success at a job interview,everything depends on the food you had that morning.So important it is that people get married just so they can get a girl to cookl daily meals for them.Not only marriages happen because of food,marriages also end because of food.The biggest reason for breakup of marriages in Pakistan is because the girl couldn’t cook,or cook well enough.It is an obsession from which there is no escape.Many aunties have tried without success to tone down their bellies so they could dance at the weddings of their sons/nieces/daughters.

Marriages:If Pakis consider anything to be their Nasb-ul-ain,reason of living,it is undoubtedly marriage.There can be two scenario in your life if you are a Pakis.The first is:You get pulled out of college,get married to a person you don’t know and spend the rest of your life obsessing over “gul ahmed ki lawn”.You are an obedient son/daughter,a responsible citizen.The second thing is:You graduate,get a job and have fun.PEOPLE EFFINNGGG HATEE YOU! You are a constant source of worry to your parents,a threat to society.And if God forbid,you happen to be a goat(girl),there are constant myths surrounding your unmarried state.You have a bad character,are ugly or you are being punished for sins in a previous life.

Conspiracy theories:Another obsession of a nation who just can’t  come to terms with its own faults.Anything that goes wrong,from your leaking roof to the sorry state of affairs your country is in,has to be blamed upon India/Amreeka.The reason for these countries to abandon their own affairs to screw everything for Pakistan,is OFCOURSE,they are jealous.These people just can’t get over the myth of Pakistan being the best nation in the world.These are usually good-for-nothing losers who are too lazy to change theri clothes and thus talk of changing the world.According to these people global warming doesn’t exist,world is never running out of oil and Justin Bieber is not a real person.These are all lies cooked up by Amreeka so people could drive themselves crazy looking for a solution for these non-existent problems,and thus ignore the real problems.I f they get lucky,they get a job at a crappy news- channel as an “analyst” and spend the rest of their lives giving their expert opinion on everything under the sun.

Ok so I’m supposed to write something like “So these were the obsessions we need to get over”,but I can never think of any concluding line.So I will leave it like thatt.

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Tips for Bilawal Bhutto:How to get popular?

So this stuff is supposed to be highly confidential and only to be read by the intended person,that is Billy B.So all you intruders,SHOO!

Billy B,I wanted to personally come and tell you this but the security around Bilawal House won’t let me in.And as you prolly are not in Pakiland,there’s no point.
So Billy B,you have been a disappointment.Like seriously,a disappointment.You know when you first came into limelight,the average Khwateen digest-reading Paki girl lost her heart to you.You instantly became a craze on Facebook and a hot topic with Shobhaa De, of course.But things have changed since then.Your popularity graph has dropped.People now know for the loser that you really are and Aisam-ul-Haq has replaced you.The Ansar Burney in me could see your sufferings no longer and has decided to jump in and help(and get my share of fame)

Following are some tips which will help you pave your way to fame.

Get hot:Your physical appearance should be your immediate concern.You do realize that you were popular because girls drooled over you.That’s not the case anymore.You have gained A LOT OF weight.And that bholi si surat which made aunties wanting to mother you is long lost. Work on that.Fix an appointment with Zubaida Aapa.Get into your black kurta-shalwar again.Practice that martyred expression.AND WHAT DID HAPPEN TO THAT ARMANI KI AINAK???

Accent:So contrary to what loser anchors and bloggers say/write about your accent,DON’T EVER DITCH IT.Accents are cool and Hamid Mir is gay.
You see,the point is,we Pakistanis lurvee people with fake/genuine American/British/French accents(we really can’t tell the difference).So if you have an accent,Pakis consider you their superior and feel obliged to vote for a superior.

Speech/statements:So your speeches are well-written,except for that “Ya Allah! Ya Rasool! Benazir beqasoor” part.Replace it with “Sahir Lodhi bilkul fazool! Benazir beqasoor”.And PUHLEEZE,try to make some sense when speaking.
” For those who wish to harm you for a crime you did not commit, they will have to go through me first.”

Now seriosuly,what the hell is this!Did you just get offered a role by Ekta Kapoor for her latest K-serial “Kyunke Bhutto bhi kabhi Zardari tha”?And you know what.The extremists plan to “go through you” in a couple of years.

Social Networking:Seriously there can be no better way to get popular.Remove privacy from your FB account.Accept every fraandship request that comes your way.Act like an average maila on Facebook.Change your name to “Prince Bilawal”,that’s what sweet boyyzez do.Heck,you are the real prince of Pakistan.

So that’s it for now.I will be back with even more tips.SOON.

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