Do you possess know-how of marketing theories? Are you a fan of Deepak Chopra, Umair Jallianwala? Is Paulo Coelho your favorite author? Can you make jokes as stale as a bag of Lays during conversation? Do you have moderately good communication skills? Do you get an orgasm every time you listen to Steve Jobs’s ‘inspirational’ speech at Stanford? Are you a talentless piece of shit? Are you STILL looking for jobs?
Well then, wait no moreee!!! We have found the perfect job for your non-existent talents. You can be
A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKERRRR
just like your distant aunt, embodies the spirit of Ansar Burney, and cannot wait to give advice to all and sundry. We now present 5 easy steps for becoming a motivational speaker, ready to take on the world.
Keywords: Your first lesson in becoming a speaker are keywords. Now these are words that you MUST use in every sentence that you speak, even if they are irrelevant to the topic you are speaking about . These words are
- Steve Jobs
You are supposed to smear these words in your conversation, to create something as profound and meaningful as this:
“If you instantly want to attain success, you must believe in all that our Lord Steve Jobs has said, and create something distinctly creative.”
Commodify Creativity: Your ability to deliver a thoroughly useless motivational speech depends majorly on your ability to ‘manufacture’ creativity, wrap it in a shiny cover and market it. You must make people believe that creativity is a skill that can be acquired by following some simple steps everyday. The only way to be creative is not to create something beautiful, but to create something different, something that has never been tried before, like poop-flavoured gummy bears. You must use phrases like, ‘You are either distinct or extinct.’ You must hammer it into your audience that they must be superior to succeed, because life is all about success. To succeed, they must be creative, and to be creative, they must be different, because creativity is all about being different. This will totally explain why you are in the same field as a million other assholes, dishing out the same advice that all others of your kind give, to all types of people.
Commodify people: Now that you have successfully commodified creativity, you turn towards people. You tell them that they have been programmed as a product, and just like a product they have a brand name, they must promote themselves AT the right place and they have a price tag, too. (No, this is ridiculous as it is. I will not even comment).
Use motivational quotes you found on Google-or make your own!: Now this one is of supreme importance. You must realize that people come to attend your seminars because they want to hear trash like,’When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.’. Because these people believe that the shitstorm that their life is will actually end up in something meaningful, and that they will ever see light at the end of the tunnel, and that one’s goal in life is the pursuit of happiness, and that motivational speeches induce the state of nirvana. So you feed them more of this bullshit. Actually, you take all your half-baked cakes of motivational bullshit, sprinkle them with some gems that you came across on the internet, and give it to the audience to gorge on.
Act wise when you speak: When you are doling out bullshit that has been doled out a million times before, you MUST sound intelligent. You must sound like the lama who has spent a million years meditating on the snowy mountains of Tibet, and has finally found the essence of life. You must smile benignly upon the audience, speak in a calm manner, and do not give away all your knowledge at once. Instead, you must lead your unknowing disciple towards the truth, one step at a time.
Engage the audience: To command people’s attention, there are a number of tried and tested (a million times) techniques that you can use. The most important of these is: Address the audience: Now YOU must talk directly to the audience. YOU must tell them of how the whole seminar was conducted by YOU so the audience could identify their talents, use them to full potential and reach the point of self-actualisation.
Congratulations! Now you are ready to be a motivational speaker, conduct seminars on topics like ‘How to find your hidden potential?’ and prey on the gullible minds of this generation.