So this stuff is supposed to be highly confidential and only to be read by the intended person,that is Billy B.So all you intruders,SHOO!
Billy B,I wanted to personally come and tell you this but the security around Bilawal House won’t let me in.And as you prolly are not in Pakiland,there’s no point.
So Billy B,you have been a disappointment.Like seriously,a disappointment.You know when you first came into limelight,the average Khwateen digest-reading Paki girl lost her heart to you.You instantly became a craze on Facebook and a hot topic with Shobhaa De, of course.But things have changed since then.Your popularity graph has dropped.People now know for the loser that you really are and Aisam-ul-Haq has replaced you.The Ansar Burney in me could see your sufferings no longer and has decided to jump in and help(and get my share of fame)
Following are some tips which will help you pave your way to fame.
Get hot:Your physical appearance should be your immediate concern.You do realize that you were popular because girls drooled over you.That’s not the case anymore.You have gained A LOT OF weight.And that bholi si surat which made aunties wanting to mother you is long lost. Work on that.Fix an appointment with Zubaida Aapa.Get into your black kurta-shalwar again.Practice that martyred expression.AND WHAT DID HAPPEN TO THAT ARMANI KI AINAK???
Accent:So contrary to what loser anchors and bloggers say/write about your accent,DON’T EVER DITCH IT.Accents are cool and Hamid Mir is gay.
You see,the point is,we Pakistanis lurvee people with fake/genuine American/British/French accents(we really can’t tell the difference).So if you have an accent,Pakis consider you their superior and feel obliged to vote for a superior.
Speech/statements:So your speeches are well-written,except for that “Ya Allah! Ya Rasool! Benazir beqasoor” part.Replace it with “Sahir Lodhi bilkul fazool! Benazir beqasoor”.And PUHLEEZE,try to make some sense when speaking.
” For those who wish to harm you for a crime you did not commit, they will have to go through me first.”
Now seriosuly,what the hell is this!Did you just get offered a role by Ekta Kapoor for her latest K-serial “Kyunke Bhutto bhi kabhi Zardari tha”?And you know what.The extremists plan to “go through you” in a couple of years.
Social Networking:Seriously there can be no better way to get popular.Remove privacy from your FB account.Accept every fraandship request that comes your way.Act like an average maila on Facebook.Change your name to “Prince Bilawal”,that’s what sweet boyyzez do.Heck,you are the real prince of Pakistan.
So that’s it for now.I will be back with even more tips.SOON.